Dear Bella,
This morning I woke up and your dad looked at me, big smile on his face and said “Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.” It all still feels surreal to me. How I arrived here. How you led me to this place. I’ve never been a hugely religious person, but spiritual, yes. And I truly believe it’s you that helped me get here.
I said goodbye to my day job yesterday.
A place where I’ve lovingly placed my heart and soul for the past 10 years. It was about 3.5 years ago however, after we lost you, that everything shifted inside and I knew there had to be more that I had to give to this world.
For a long while I didn’t actually believe in myself and that I’d ever ‘make it’. To the place where I could actually do what I love to do day in and day out.
You know that famous saying ‘fake it till you make it’?
Yeah, that was me. Dreaming, and scheming, and teaching, and connecting here on this blog because I knew that filled my cup. But I never actually believed I could design my life around it.
You (with the help of some amazing trusted mentors and friends) have helped me believe. My mentors, Kristen Kalp, Stacy Larsen, Brooke Snow, JoAnna Rothman, Jenny Shih. My business BFFs, Kelly Nelson, Megan Flatt.
I’m so grateful for all of them.
But even more grateful for you.
Because today I feel like I can finally stop holding my breath, I can step into fear, and walk confidently into what I know I’m meant to be doing in the world.
Losing you will always be one of the hardest things I’ve gone through in this life.
To this day the silence in the delivery room still haunts me and is clear as day in my mind, even with the huge amounts of morphine that was pumping through my veins that morning.
I never thought I’d see the light again.
My camera taught me differently. It taught me how to see again. And how to remember you in a beautiful way.
There are a lot of loss moms out there who cringe when they hear the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason.”
But for me that saying holds so much truth.
Because even without you here in my arms, you have taught me so much about love, life, and facing fear. Losing you brought us Brielle. It’s led me down this new path that will allow me to help others heal and connect more deeply with my family, my friends, and the world.
Today I’m doing something BIG baby girl.
Bigger than anything I think I’ve ever done before.
Last month I sat around a table business planning with 11 other kindred spirits at a 4 day retreat. As I filled in my calendar with upcoming classes, Illuminate was no where to be found. It just didn’t fit into the timeline anywhere.
I felt this sinking pit in my stomach because the class I developed in your honor wasn’t fitting into my life.
It was like I was tossing you aside, like you didn’t fit into my life anymore.
I was paralyzed. I froze up. I panicked.
A new coach and friend led me away from the group and the flood gates opened (that sneaky grief…just when you think she’s gone, she catches you by surprise).
She helped me see in a matter of minutes EXACTLY what I was supposed to do with your Illuminate class.
That moment of clarity we shared is one I will never ever forget.
With us both in a puddle of tears I knew the legacy you needed to continue to leave in the world.
Illuminate as a paid class offering will be going away, effective today.
I’m officially retiring it, so I can offer it to the world completely for FREE instead.
I believe that every woman deserves the opportunity to seek creative means to healing.
They deserve to see that there may very well be a reason for their loss.
They deserve to know how to see the light and goodness in the world even when the world has failed them.
They deserve to feel alive again.
Thank you baby girl from the bottom of my heart for all the gifts you’ve given me.
Today truly is the first day of the rest of my life.
And it sure is a beautiful one.
xo.
Mama
You can sign up right now for the Illuminate 4-week e-course by entering your information in the box below. You’ll recieve instant access to the class and to my weekly e-newsletter that will provide you with photography tips, inspiration to keep your creative juices going long after Illuminate is over.
If you’d like to read a few more details about the course before signing on and learn what we’ll do together you can click HERE for all the details. I can’t wait to heal with you.